It's Good to Talk

Have you ever been asked, ‘how are you doing today?’ Have you ever answered this question with a genuine response? Such questions of course have a standard answer, a very common one being, ‘fine, thanks.' These roll out of our mouths very easily, but I do wonder how genuine answers are. A number of years ago, I was asked that very question, so I decided to respond. Twenty seconds later I was silenced by the one asking who needed to stop me so he could move on. I was left wondering why he asked! What I realise now is that really, he didn’t want to know. It seemed pointless to give the glib answer of ‘fine’ because I wasn’t. Yet in truth, shutting our world away from one another is something culturally that we have become quite skilled in doing.

Back in the 90’s on British TV, there was a British Telecom ad with the tagline, ‘it’s good to talk’. In it the actor Bob Hoskins, reflected upon how easy it was to get carried away with all of life’s demands and forget the joy of connecting. Of course, we are a generation beyond that time now, and I find myself wondering, is it still good to talk? Working within the world of therapy, I get the opportunity to go a bit deeper with people. There is a privilege in sharing in someone else’s journey, but in doing so, I realise that there is a common challenge expressed about the difficulty they have in building genuine friendships. A survey carried out by Forbes found that there had been a 59% increase of difficulty in forming relationships post pandemic. That is a significant figure. Those with whom I talk either in the therapy space or indeed within other settings and forums seem to share in the common experience of finding connecting far more difficult. What about you?

Whether you concur with the need to connect deeply may depend upon your generation. For some, the idea of holding a physical in-person conversation is somewhat outdated. Talking with some teens, it’s fascinating to note that their friendship group can be found somewhere on another continent. The people these guys felt most connected to are people that they have never met in person. There are those for whom the possibility of connecting face to face may provoke anxiety on a variety of levels. As such it makes life lived online an option far more appealing. It leaves me wondering whether the anxiety felt is more to do with talking or whether it is do with being heard?

Some years ago, I met a fantastic couple from the Tennessee called Tom and Shirley. They lived in a tough neighbourhood, and Tom suggested that should I visit that it would be good to rename me ‘Stash’ due to the lifestyle of the locals… Tom left me with a few quotes, but one of them which I have valued was, ‘You have two ears and one mouth, so you should do twice as much listening as talking’. A simple observational proverb with so much depth. Tom was right. Talking of course is valuable, but significantly, what we also need is to be heard. Do you feel heard? Would you say you feel listened to?

Research has shown that a simple conversation with another where problems are shared and feelings are expressed can be a source of stress reduction, a means of strengthening the immune system, and further a relief to both physical and emotional discomfort. Of course, such conversations don’t have to be with a counsellor or coach, rather they could be with a trusted family member or friend. Other studies have found that one’s wellbeing is linked to the quality of relationships had. Unfortunately, for some such quality has been ruptured for one reason or another and seems difficult to establish with those around them.

Whether at home with family, with friends or at work; do you feel talked at or understood? I find myself wondering how our modern world is influencing this. Whilst sitting in a restaurant people watching, it was interesting to see couples with their phone firmly in their grip, connecting with anyone but the person in front of them. Driving through my local area, I occasionally notice parents with their kids with more attention on their phone than upon their children stirs questions up within me. Whilst holding phones tightly in our grip, are we letting go of what really matters? I find myself wondering if this experience is replicated in their everyday world when the doors close hiding their world away; do the phones continue to be of more interest than the people within their proximity? Might it be that in reality through such behaviour, we are educating each other about how valuable those around us are? And is it possible that this is why at times, people don’t feel heard?

Isn’t it strange to think that we live in a time where people have the most power ever had in history to connect globally, and yet we have a global epidemic of loneliness too? When lonely, it is not that conversations cease, it’s just that they then take place internally. As a result, problems become ever more complex, thoughts become more intense, and for some, a result is the onset of panic. For our health’s sake, we need to talk. On occasion those with whom I work in therapy reflect upon their journey, and a comment I have heard on more than one occasion was that prior to engaging in therapy that they were cynical of how useful it would be. The idea of talking to another person and finding healing sounded stupid. Yet having opened their heart to the idea and their mouth to talk, they have found that talking is indeed a valuable and indeed healing experience.

I think of meaningful talk as something like a detox. Over time, our bodies can be contaminated by everyday substances which have a harmful effect on our wellbeing. Detoxing enables a deep cleansing within. Talking deeply with another provides the emotional opportunity in a similar way to a body detox, to begin addressing the things which have been heard, experienced, or felt which have created a harmful effect internally. Somehow, they need to safely come out. Unfortunately, what we don’t say with words, we will find another way of being expressed. Oftentimes, what is left unsaid is communicated in an unhealthy way.

One of the reasons I love the Psalms in the Bible is because in them we find David and others getting thoroughly unreligious as they release their experiences to the world around them, all as part of a means of worship. How often have you heard a worship song with ‘smash their jaws’ in it (Psalm 58)? Letting out frustration in God’s presence seemed to enable the Psalmists to both release the pain then led to a felt sense of wholeness emerging to connect them to God. Such worship is raw, and sometimes it is really what we need to encourage people to release. Worship can be encouraged not to dwell in brokenness but rather to ‘cast’ our pain onto God who cares for us, which has the added outcome of ensuring that our pain doesn’t stay inside us. Talk can help us shed off things that feel confining.

Could it be that it’s time to stop holding things inside, and instead begin to find someone to process with? Life was designed to me more than just ‘fine’ and hidden away from others. You were born for more...

Root this now

A. Do you have need of a deeper conversation with someone? Is there someone within either your present or former network of either friends or family whom you wish to reach out to? What might it be like to stop putting off connecting?

B. Are you in the habit of asking people how they are without really wanting to know? How might becoming more intentional and genuine in this question alter both your day or another’s? What could you do differently?

C. Are you someone who holds your tech tight? What would be the advantages of releasing your grip on it? Think about what the outcomes might be of living life differently.

References

1. YouTube (2020). ‘Bob Hoskins BT "It's good to talk" advert 1996 - "The worst kept promise in the world"’. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Pwl5Zc_51s. Accessed December 2025

2. Ajiwe, S. (2024). ‘Four Years After the Pandemic Began, Are We All Just Awkward Now?’. https://www.phillymag.com/news/2024/04/13/awkward-social-interactions/. Accessed March 2025

3. Kindred, R and GW Bates (2023). ‘The Influence of the COVID-19 Pandemic on Social Anxiety: A Systematic Review’. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9915904/. Accessed March 2025

4. Dreher, DE. (2019). ‘Why Talking About Our Problems Makes Us Feel Better’. ttps://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-personal-renaissance/201906/why-talking-about-our-problems-makes-us-feel-better. Accessed December 2025.

5. Abrams, Z. (2023). ‘Conversations are essential to our well-being. Psychologists are exploring the science of why they’re so powerful’. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/11/conversations-key-to-wellbeing. Accessed March 2025

6. Bakhtiari, K (2023). ‘Gen-Z, The Loneliness Epidemic And The Unifying Power Of Brands’. https://www.forbes.com/sites/kianbakhtiari/2023/07/28/gen-z-the-loneliness-epidemic-and-the-unifying-power-of-brands/. Accessed March 2025

7. Holy Bible (2015). ‘New Living Translation’. Tyndale House Foundation.